Dear Mamma:
I shore miss you and Pappy! Just out of the blue I had the opportunity yesterday to arrange a meeting with a Business Manager who wants to help me with a better approach to selling my product. He has an excellent resume having assisted several Fortune 500 companies. He says that my ideas are excellent and all that is needed is good marketing to increase my sales.
He said I have to allow for something called creative and expressive techniques which means I exaggerate the value of my product as well as modifying my description of what it will do. I need to show how my product is better and less expensive than any other on the market, is cheaper to produce, does not harm children or the environment and is easy to transport or ship anywhere in the world. He says that is part of any sales program. After all, he says:
In the car business, the automobiles are touted to look better, have a fancy Italian name or model name, accelerate quicker, go faster, use less fuel, be safer, last longer and cost less even though we all know those are exaggerations.
In the medical business drugs are supposed to be safer, to act quicker, more efficiently with few or no complications, last longer, cost less, cure infections, cancer and psychological problems; and we know those claims are spurious. (Just looked that word up—neat huh!)
Likewise, he talks about sea cruises as inexpensive, safe, all encompassing, comfortable and exciting; just never mention disease, cancellations, crowding and any other unpleasantries.
He even knows about the religious business real good where he states the prime objective is to emphasize: more sins eliminated and forgiven, donations to increase your blessings, selling holy water, shorter services, better communions, briefer Bar mitzvahs and cheaper marriages.
Seems like he knows business, huh mamma?
Well, I met him down by the bayou. He’s a right fancy dresser in a red cape and hat and gave me his card:
B.L. Zeebub
HOTSPOT PRODUCTIONS
(We come to you then you come to us!)
What this new business manager is proposing is for me to expand my business from the local stores to national and then international markets. As you and paw know, I have thus far been a one-man organization, manufacturing, advertising and selling my product by myself. This is apparently not the way to do business in the twenty-first century. I need to become more computer-based, merchandising on internet, offering cost reductions for bulk orders and giving sales promotions and special holiday reductions.
He seems to have a handle on the ways to make any business a success and he emphasizes that he has been doing this for many years. When I asked him about the things you and paw talk about, namely ethics and morality, he scoffed and asked, “Are you in business to make money or make tiddlywinks?” I didn’t quite understand but I told him I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess I want to make money rather than tiddlywinks (I didn’t know there was much of a market in tiddlywinks!).
So, I’m meeting with him this evening and he wants me to sign some kind of contract; he’ll guarantee me success if I guarantee I’ll work with him later. That sounds reasonable to me but I thought I’d run it by you two. Tell paw about it since he can’t read nor write!
I can just see me on TV or Newspaper or online with the headlines he recommended!
FESTUS BESTUS FISHIN’ WORMS!
DON’T WAIT…GET OUR BAIT!
OUR WORMS GOT NO GERMS!
OUR WORMS LOOK BETTER THAN PERMS!
FIGHTIN’ WORMS THE DISH TO CATCH YOUR CATFISH
A WORM IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE SLUSH
He thinks I can get a TV and movie deal, even plans to have me dye them different colors especially for Easter. He’s pretty original, don’tcha think?
Well? What’ya think Ma? Deal or no deal? (Get it?)
Love,
FESTUS