The solution should have been ridiculously simple. When I designed the animals, I made a mistake. I know I am thought to be perfect but let’s face it. Nobody is perfect and even I have made mistakes. My first miscalculation was in talking to plants and listening to them. I had explained that I was creating creatures which needed nourishment; I planned on having them eat plants and that’s where the problem began. The leaves and the grasses didn’t complain much but the fruits and vegetables put up a holy stink ( I can use the word holy whenever I see fit!). Their argument was that the trees didn’t perish when some of their leaves were eaten and likewise, the grasses usually would have only their tops removed and continue to grow, but the apples and oranges and the various other fruits such as berries and the vegetables such as squash, watermelon and tomatoes saw the whole thing in a different light. Especially the tomatoes who felt they were individuals and didn’t feel it was appropriate to have someone eat them.
So, when I decided to finally create animals… mammals, fish, birds and what have you, I divided them into herbivores and carnivores. You should have heard the clamor. The mother animals screaming about my letting little Herbie or Dagmar or whatever they named their little lambs or gnus or rabbits be eaten by a wolf or a lion, became too much to tolerate.
I finally had a sit down with the whole group in the forest one afternoon and explained the rules and none of them were satisfied. While they were sad about being eaten and killed, most of them wanted some sort of equality and there were certain beasts and fish which were at the top of the so-called “food chain” (I invented that word—neat huh?) who were never killed or eaten, I had to create a new species. That’s where humans came in. Humans could kill and eat anything, plants and animals and could themselves be eaten by some of the more ferocious beasts. I even made them vulnerable to some small creatures and plants, such as the rattle snake and vipers and certain poison plants…mushrooms were my favorite.
So in this fashion I tried to equal everything out…all’s well that ends well! The problems arose when certain creatures began eating huge volumes and upset the equality rules. Whales would eat a million krill at a time, Certain birds would eat several worms a day or those damn pelicans would stuff their beaks with several fish. Do you get the picture? The big mistake was creating things that had to be nourished. I didn’t have that problem on my other creations…Planets with only minerals and no living things…no animals or plants. The minerals never complained. I should have stayed out of the “living business”…just one headache after another.
I had not appreciated the complications involved with living beings, much less the whole problem of excretion. Unfortunately I couldn’t, even with my great powers, create creatures which did not evacuate solid and liquid wastes. I had tried to create 100% efficient creatures who utilized everything which they ingested with no need for excretion, but I just couldn’t figure that one out. And I don’t deserve any criticism. After all, I did a pretty good job with most of the Creation.
But this is the last time I deal with the life thing…Just too much aggravation and no appreciation!
The solution came to me when I was wafting ( I love that word) away the hours one afternoon (Time was a very good creation. I’m, proud of that one!) I gave a few of my human creations an idea called nuclear energy and fusion, one of my so-called “Chosen People” (that’s what they called themselves)name Al Einstein and put the idea in his mind to have one of the countries create a bomb big enough to destroy a whole city. I could eventually get rid f every living thing and get back to the basics of minerals and a more relaxed existence for myself. All it took was a few “nutcases” to promote more wars and then those nuclear bombs would be used and blow up the whole damn planet.
Unfortunately, after dropping just two of those bombs, the humans put some kind of moratorium on their use and I’ve been waiting almost eighty years now for some more bomb-works. Nothing doing. Those humans have staved off any possible use of nuclear bombs. So, I’ve begun insinuating crazy people into the governments of some countries to try and get these weapons back into use. I got a loony-bin in North Korea and a quick-draw guy in the United States and am hoping to get some nuclear conflagration going. If not, I’m just going to leave this planet and go to another galaxy where I can just converse with the minerals and lead a more sedate existence.